Time of your life

desperate housewife

2011-04-08T13:35:00.000-07:00

My Eee PC is broken and all I've got left to write from is my boyfriend's N900 (awesome gadget, by the way). And since he still has not installed cyrillic, and I still feel like writing (man, this thing's keyboard rules the world), this seems to be the right place to pour it out.

Suddenly it seems my life has hit a straight rail track that leads me I don't know where. It's like I've lost control over it somehow and just let myself be dragged by the stream. (mainstream?) I worry about stuff like what we're going to have for dinner and what color the walls of my new bedroom should be and what kind of shitter I should buy. I don't take pictures, I don't write and I don't ride planes anymore. I hardly do any of the things I love, telling myself that this is temporary, and that things will get better. And maybe they will. Maybe I'll finally have the cash and take the time - for a camera, for Italy, and for my abandoned online confessionals. In any case, there is something that I'm thankful for - that I am not alone in the whole mess. That after I do pick out the goddamn colors, there's someone, who will help me paint the walls.

Thanks, this does feel better.

2010-11-21T12:47:00.000-08:00

Flights,

lights,

I'm

high

Drinks,

winks,

it's

Skies,

smiles,

he's

nice

Fears,

tears,

we're

free.

2010-09-18T14:46:00.001-07:00

For all the words I never said,
For all the moments that I never had,
For all the things that I could have packed,

I take no more than a moment.
Then never look back

That was yesterday

2010-03-07T03:45:00.000-08:00

Walking around the old neighborhood, and walking into another time. I meet some of the old neighbors and they ask me how I am. I say that I am doing fine, working and living the life in the big city. I don't say much but you can't really cram a few years into a 5 minute conversation.

I have coffee with a friend I grew up with, who is visiting from Denmark. Her parents still live in our old building though, and mine moved to another place. She looks good and doesn't think about coming back for more than visits and vacations, and I understand.

After that I decide to walk to my old school, just for kicks.

The paths that I walk seem strange and familiar, like I've been there but in another life. Like I have amnesia and don't really know where I am going but still know how to get there. I walk past the small smoke-filled cafes that Toni and I used to spend so much time in before and after school. We talked about what we were going to do once we were out of high school and the places that we would visit and the bar we would open on the beach. I don't remember what the name of that bar was but we were going to have live music at night. For sure.

I moved to another city and she moved to another country. Come to think of it, many of my friends did. My sister did too.

My old school doesn't look as old. They've done some work on it. It's totally empty because it's a Sunday. I curse at myself a little for not going there on Thursday or Friday. But maybe I've had enough trips down memory lane for me to meet my old teachers as well. Maybe next time.

As I stroll back to my parents' apartment I start counting. It's been almost 8 years since I graduated and, effectively, moved away. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I will spend it in another town. I will be 27 years old. But that's tomorrow.

10 Places... Boston

2010-02-18T04:32:00.000-08:00

I figured that if I can't go to trips, I can at least start writing about the trips again. Getting back to the summer memories kinda makes winter more bearable.

Mariya and I visited Boston in September, 2007. That was her second work trip to our Boston office and my first one. Since then I've visited again in 2008 and 2009 - enough to become a big fan of the town, its people, its places and the Boston Bruins.

Boston has a weird mixture of people and cultures and the unmistakable atmosphere of a college town. It also has some of the most fascinating architecture I've seen in my life. People are usually smiling and chatty, but I guess that is just something an Eastern European like me would find as unusual.

We've had some great times with colleagues from our Boston office, some of which unfortunately don't work there anymore. Yes, Ian, you sunbathing-in-Nicaragua-bastaad :P And thanks to their hospitality and good knowledge of the best drinking places, the work trips were well worth the long flights over the Atlantic. Side-note: the weirdest thing about Boston 'drinking' places is that depending on the time of day it can be either a restaurant, a pub, or a club. Point and case: The Purple Shamrock.

So here are some spots you might want to check out if you are in Beantown:

1. The Public Garden

Lots of green in the heart of town - you can go for a picnic, a read, or just a roll in the grass. Beware of the dogs and the squirrels.

2. Beacon Hill

A beautiful and quiet part of town that may as well be a museum of old houses, were it not for the parked Ferrari's and price tags of above a million. Otherwise makes for a very pleasant walk.

3. Harvard Square (Cambridge)

This has to be one of my favorite places not just in Boston but ... ever. It has everything you need - the cutest cafes, a Newbury Comics store (which I visit every single time), and a pub or two in which I've left my daily wage.

4. Central Wharf

One of the most 'feel-good' places in Boston - you can sit and stare at the water and the downtown Boston skyline from the same place. If you have the chance, also check out the New England Aquarium.

Oh, and that was the most boats I've seen in a single place. I want a boat!

5. Museum of Science

If you're in Boston in the winter and have some time to spare but no intention to skate on a frozen pond ( a well-embraced local activity for the really crazy people), please go and check it out. You can spend hours there, and I guarantee that even if you spend an entire day you won't be able to go through all the weirdly wonderful exhibits and insane devices you can find there. If you by any chance do not share my geekness or love of science you can always go the Museum of Fine arts.

That town is always a pleasure to come back to; I'd say definitely my favorite US city.

Most of the photos in this post are Mariya's.

It's only when I lose myself

2009-10-21T13:19:00.000-07:00

And then your life twists around in the most weird and unexpected way and you don't even notice it.

It's freakish almost.

I've gotten so used to the new situation that I cannot remember what it was like before. But I don't want it to feel boring and mundane. I don't want that to ruin everything else that comes with it.

I feel sane for the first time in a long time. There are no earthquakes or soap opera drama in my life. And I like that. But sometimes I feel like I am struggling to keep my insane self. Even with all the craziness and insecurity. I don't want to be a good, practical housewife. I want to keep the spark alive. Keep on burning, keep on burning.

I don't find myself only when I lose myself in someone else. I find another side of me. But I still lose myself a little bit. I am so focused on the definition of me seen through the other person's eyes that I forget what me is. I can compromise with the food , and the movies we watch, and all the small things that you sometimes need to sacrifice to help things along. But I can't let myself compromise with what I am.

Don't let anyone tell you that being in a relationship is an easy thing. It doesn't come that naturally, especially when your egocentricity and sense of self-sufficiency are as strong as mine. And if the individual you're dealing with is just as strong-willed, then there are going to be many challenges ahead. It's hard being a part of a couple when you're so used to being a solitary unit. You have to give up certain rights and freedoms for the sake of being with someone. Just don't let it change who you are. At least not by that much.

I miss my camera, Bob

2009-09-11T02:14:00.000-07:00

And to the bastards who stole it: at least one of you is going down.

About to Crash

2009-07-19T01:42:00.001-07:00

Wake me up when you're

Falling To Pieces

And don't be afraid to take comfort in my

Perfect Insanity

As the challenges roll through you

And you

Remember

That everyone of us has their time of

Inner Turbulence

Search for a spark of quiet understanding

And know that you are never

Alone

If you've ever

2009-07-13T09:01:00.001-07:00

If you've ever been awaken with a kiss;

If you've ever crossed an ocean;

If you've ever stopped a moment to snuggle in a happy feeling;

If you've ever met the sunrise walking around town;

If you've ever dedicated a poem;

If you've ever felt like a million bucks;

If you've ever seen the moon dance on water;

If you've ever heard music without the radio on.

Then you are lucky.

Random thought of the week.

2009-07-06T08:45:00.001-07:00

And when writing has been a form of therapy - do we stop writing once we feel sane?

I need to think of something to write soon.

10 Places...Vegas, baby!

2009-06-24T08:28:00.000-07:00

As in a couple of days it will be exactly one year since we were there, I decided to overcome my chronic summer laziness and write up the post I owe that awesome place.

The entire Vegas trip was an accident. We were supposed to go to a conference that got cancelled and we ended up with the plane tickets and hotel room at the MGM Grand for a couple of nights. I flew in from Reno, as I had spent a week in Tahoe just before that, and Mariya arrived from Boston. It turned out that three days was very insufficient time to check everything out, even though we never went off the strip (as per the kind advice of one of the hotel hosts). Turns out the city has a decent drugs and hookers business but being a die-hard fan of CSI: Las Vegas, I already knew that.

The first day we pretty much spent around the pool. I'd never felt so hot in my entire life, after all we were in the desert. We were soaking like hippos for five hours having frozen strawberry daquiris and we were having the bestest time. We went around town in the evening, ate at a very good Italian restaurant in the Paris hotel and finally, just as Mariya was getting ready to go out clubbing, I fell asleep. At 11 pm. On a Saturday night. She hasn't forgiven me still.

On Sunday we walked almost all day, visited different places, did some shopping and played roulette for the first time. We lost 100 bucks but it was awesome fun and the nice girls kept our drinks coming. We ended up in club Taboo, dancing with Canadian people :)

Here are some of the places we visited, that certainly need to be checked out:

1) The Bellagio fountains - Definitely one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. Watching this on video has nothing to do with seeing the water rise and fall with a bang and actually feeling the vapor on your face.

2) The Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay - A huge aquarium with different sorts of creatures. It's a nice way to pass the time, but if you've been to bigger aquariums you could miss it. I bought Mariya a purple toy shark from the gift shop. They both look much alike :)

3) The Lion Habitat at MGM Grand

4) The Secret Garden of Siegfried and Roy and Dolphin Habitat at The Mirage - We saw the little white tiger cubs that had been born a just month before. I also saw a dolphin taking a dump for the first time.

5) The Eifel tower - I've seen the real thing, so I wasn't too impressed. It was still nice to get up there and see the entire city. We didn't get to the Stratosphere, so that was our best view point, apart from the rising airplane.

Previous from series:

Burgas

Blagoevgrad

South Lake Tahoe

Take me to the beach

2009-06-08T13:55:00.000-07:00

I was born on the sea.

I have salty water in my veins.

I am craving the waves and the sand and the breeze

Caressing my skin, washing my troubles away.

I am a sea monster

I am a salty water vampire

I am a mermaid on a sandy coast

Mother sea is calling me.

And I need to swim.

Random thought of the week

2009-06-08T09:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's hard to face reality, when your dreams keep trying to fool you.

To my 16 year-old self

2009-06-03T01:53:00.000-07:00

You are great. Don't let anyone tell you any different.

Try not to wear baggy clothes the entire time. I know they're comfy but sometimes you need to dress up a bit.

Heavy metal is not the only true music in this world. Wait. I might be wrong there.

That boy that broke you heart this summer won't be the last one to do that. Toughen up. But don't close up.

And don't worry about a thing - there will be plenty of time to worry later.

Kisses,

Your 26 year-old self

Dinner

2009-06-01T11:36:00.000-07:00

German beer and Bulgarian strawberries. Life is so good sometimes.

10 places - South Lake Tahoe

2009-05-28T13:11:00.001-07:00

In 2004 I went to South Lake Tahoe for the first time. I spent the summer living with my sister and working in Harvey’s casino. My big sis left Bulgaria for Tahoe back in 2003 and still hasn’t moved. After my summer there I dropped in for a week in 2007 on my way from Boston to Bulgaria; then visited in 2008 for another two weeks, dragging my parents along, who had never even been to the States before that. This summer I’ll probably be heading there once more for my sister’s wedding. Unless they decide to have it somewhere else.

Tahoe is a beautiful mountain lake right between Northern California and Nevada. It’s a three-hour drive from San Francisco; or one hour from Reno, where the closest airport is. In order to get to Reno from Bulgaria you change at least three planes. My longest trip was around 26 hours, including the layovers. After 26 hours and 3 planes suicidal thoughts don’t seem weird, believe me.

View Large r M ap

South Lake Tahoe itself is almost entirely in Californian territory, except for the few big and not so big casinos.

The place is truly magnificent, good for skiing in the winter, and in the summer you can go to the beach or fishing or kayaking. There are all kinds of beautiful spots, the air is so clean and it is actually a very nice place to live, if you’re not pursuing some grand career or a busy lifestyle. If you are a party animal though, this might be a good place to visit for a vacation but anything more could get boring.
The permanent population is around 34 000 according to official statistics, with most people working in the services sector. In summer and winter’s high season the town gets crowded with tourists, many of them from the San Francisco Bay Area. A good part of those tourists visit that beautiful place just to play video slots all night in the aforementioned casinos.

I have to clarify that I have been to South Lake Tahoe only in the summer, so I have no information about the ski resorts. Plus I don’t ski. I generally avoid endeavors that might suggest me breaking my neck.

But when I am visiting my sister, our primary activities include:
1. Hitting the Camp Richardson beach, armed with a cooler and some cold cans of bee…uhm…sodas inside. The lake is fricking freezing for most of the year, but in August you can actually go for a swim, as long as you don’t go too far away from the shore.

2. Driving to Carson City - US 50 from South Lake Tahoe to Carson is allegedly the most picturesque road in the entire United States. On that road you can make pictures like this one:

We drive to Carson mainly to go shopping, since the stores are cheaper and quite bigger. I got my first US shopping experience in a Costco store where I actually got lost. I was twenty-one back then and I felt like I was four. I have managed to overcome my fear of huge stores by now but my sister’s idea of a shopping spree still intimidates me. Somehow she still finds the energy to shop for 8 hours, while I’m dragging behind her, completely exhausted.

3. The Magic Carpet Miniature Golf Course – another thing I discovered for the first time 5 years ago. I still insist that this is the most fun a person can possibly have. Especially if you are with some good friends, have the competitive drive of a professional golfer and a keen love for dinosaurs.

4. Horseback riding around Zeophyr Cove – if you want to see some amazing sites while riding a horse around some mountain trails, this is the thing for you. I’ve done it only once but it was still great.

5. The casinos – alright, I admit, the casinos have their appeal. They’re not as flashy as in Vegas but they offer some good entertainment and I don’t mean gambling only. There are some concerts and stand up performances throughout the summer. It’s full of excellent bars and there are even a couple of very decent clubs; and the cocktails are awesome everywhere. I should know, I served them for three months back in 2004 :)

Previous posts from series:

Burgas

Blagoevgrad

Diagnosis

2009-05-25T10:31:00.000-07:00

I figured it out. It's not my kidneys that are the problem. It's my heart that needs to heal.

Welcome to the Balkans

2009-05-23T13:33:00.000-07:00

I like watching people's reaction whenever I tell them where I am from. Because Bulgaria means a different thing to people from different places.

To people outside Europe, I am European.

To people from Western Europe, I am Eastern European.

To my Eastern European brothers and sisters, I am from the Balkans.

The Balkans are a strange place, not much to do with the rest of Europe. You have to have gone places to realize it. It's technically in Europe, but bears a lot of the features of the Orient. I like to think that we've taken the best of both worlds, although we're still keeping most of our old bad habits.

On one hand I think we have kept a lot of the freedom, that other European countries don't have anymore, with all of their rules and regulations and restrictions. And we have all of that great food.

On the other hand, there's still a lot more we have to work on to make our lives better. One way would be to start helping each other out. The last war on the Balkans ended only 10 years ago; for the last 20 years many more countries have showed up on the map - all former parts of what we called Yugoslavia. That has brought a lot of tension and animosity between people who live right next to each other.

The funny thing about the Balkans and the Balkan people is that we all think we are unique, totally different from our neighbors. After spending 4 years studying with Romanians, Serbs, Albanians, Macedonians (among others - the entire list included around 30 countries) I realized that we are so much alike, it is just ridiculous.

Here's how you will know you are on the Balkans:

If people want to treat you to some home made rakia, an alcoholic beverage an American friend of mine once compared to gazoline with cigarette butts in it. Still, I assure you - it can save your life.

If people are having a noisy argument on the street, or are shouting to each other from a large distance, or are plain having a loud conversation in public. Balkan people are just loud.

If you see a wedding party on the street, accompanied by some gipsy musicians, while everyone has joined the horo in front of the bride's house or apartment building.

If someone is making lyutenitsa or pickles in front of their house.

If kids are riding their bikes without helmets.

Welcome, and enjoy :)

10 Places ... Blagoevgrad

2009-05-16T03:49:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow morning I’m heading down to Blagoevgrad to watch my friend Toni’s brother graduate from the American University in Bulgaria. Exactly three years and 10 days after Toni and I walked up and down that same stage to pick up our BA degrees.

Blagoevgrad is my second home town (it seems all my favorite towns start with a B J). I spent 4 years in this charming, small and vibrant place. For me it has become the definition of learning, partying and growing up. Of the aproximately 75 000 people living in Blagoevgrad, 15 000 are students, so you can bet that the weekends are wild over there. And our weekends started on Thursday night and ended on Monday morning.

View Larger Map

Blagoevgrad is on a 2 hour bus/train ride south of Sofia and the buses are every 40 minutes to an hour from the Central Bus Station in Sofia. There are plenty of hotels and restaurants, though around certain dates and events you will need to make a room reservation at least a week in advance. Most of the cafes, bars and clubs are concentrated around the center of the city, making it perfect for bar hopping. You can go in and out of 5 places on a single street. It’s awesome.

What I love to do in Blagoevgrad:

1. A walk around Bachinovo park, along the Bistritza river.

2. Hanging out on the couches on the 2^nd floor in the AUBG old academic building

3. Dark beers with friends in the Old Dublin pub

4. A trip to the Rila Monastery for some clean air and some hot mekitsi

5. Sun, blanket on grass and a book in the Skaptopara dorm back yard

Here are some more of my favorite places that you need to check out if you ever go: Napoli, Murphy’s, Swing, Vertigo, Piano Bar Limited – or just get someone from Blagoevgrad to give you a tour of the hottest places there.

Previous posts from series:

Burgas

Moments

2009-05-07T12:50:00.001-07:00

You know what my favorite hobby is? It's not photography, or writing, or traveling. It's capturing moments. Expecially those really, genuinely perfect ones. Soaking them in with all available senses and resources and savoring them, only to hang to them a little while longer and to roll in that nice, tingling feeling of semi-euphoria when I am just...perfect.

I am sitting on my bed in the sunny, well lit room with green wallpaper that I picked out myself. I'm stealing wireless internet, chatting with friends and enjoying the lazy Sunday afternoon. It's one of those rare occasions on which I am back home - back to Burgas. My Mom is in the kitchen making my favorite meal. My Dad is in the next room, fixing my old jeans on the 90-year-old Singer sewing machine my grandad left after he left us. Yes, my father actually can do everything. The radio is loud, and Billy Joel is singing. I've left the door between the two rooms open so I can hear the music and my Dad cussing at the ancient machine better. I feel home. I feel normal. I feel that there is nothing weighing on me at that very moment. I am really, truly free.

Morning

2009-04-28T10:52:00.001-07:00

The morning is so good and quiet
as she gives me her first kiss

and fills my room with bright early light
pushing cool clean air into my nostrils

just like the vapor traces
of my religiously brewed coffee

a precious cup of stolen me-time
before the day comes rushing in

words flicker on the screen
"Good morning, blue eyes"

It is a good one, isn't it?

10 places I've been to in the last year: #1 Burgas, Bulgaria

2009-04-25T09:39:00.000-07:00

My home town. I've lived there the first 19 years of my life. I have not lived there for roughly 7 years. I still call it home, along with a number of other places.

View Larger Ma p

My obsessive love for the big water is explained with the fact I grew up next to it. My mom had a lot of trouble trying to keep me out of it for 10 minutes every time we went to the beach. Now I don't really go home that often, not even in the summer. Now I have 22 days of paid leave a year, certainly not enough for going home and doing all the other travelling I would like to do.

So I mostly go for holidays and weekends. The travel is 5-6 hours with a car or a bus from Sofia.

My favorite passtimes when I get to Burgas are:

- walks around the seaside garden - I sometimes even manage to get my parents to join me

- drinking beer at our favorite places

- singing at the local karaoke bar so that my buddies can laugh at me

- going to the beach, regardless of the weather conditions

- playing basketball/football/cards or any other recreational activity my friends come up with

It is weird how time has stopped for me in Burgas. Yeah, some things have definitely changed but everything still feels the same. I feel the same there too.

Ten places I've been to in the last year

2009-04-25T09:03:00.000-07:00

I admit that this particular blog has not been my highest priority. I very often neglect this child for the benefit of my Bulgarian blog, which I have sustained for the last 3 years. I have not even decided what this malnourished creation of mine should be about exactly. At first I thought it should be something of a workspace, where I would post photographs and pieces of writing. That has proven to be a bit boring.

So I have decided to start a series: Ten places I have been to in the last year. It sounds finite, somewhere in the neighborhood of 10 posts, but it's a start. The people who know me are familiar with my constant eagerness to travel, and more specifically to fly. These ten places are not necessarily all world famous, most of them are either in Bulgaria, or the US - the two countries I have traveled the most.

I will try to apply a regular frequency of posting - though the flow will depend on outside factors such as free time, free brain capacity and the laziness of the author.

Enjoy.

Why so green?

2009-04-17T06:08:00.001-07:00

Making Bulgaria more beautiful

2009-04-13T13:12:00.001-07:00

There is an old Bulgarian saying that in your lifetime you should build a house, have a child and plant a tree.

I checked one of those off on Saturday. A group of volunteers from Sofia and local people from Slivnitza worked a day to restore a forest that had burnt down in 2007. It was a beautiful sunny day and it seemed that the physical labor made us more energetic rather than more tired.

Here is a picture of the first tree I ever planted. May she grow strong and beautiful and give joy to everyone else, as she gave joy to me by letting me settle her in.

Now go and do something useful :)

Watch

2009-04-13T10:40:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like my life is a movie. Like I am not really there but am watching myself on a screen. I do the motions, I say my lines and I repeat the scenes until I get them right. I substitute my reality with a screenplay. I contribute my emotions to the script so I can disconnect from them. It's just easier than taking everything seriously.

We are all actors.

Each of us has their role. We are trained and conditioned to act in front of an audience of others. So that we are socially acceptable. So that we don't hurt or offend. So that we are loved.

I just need to remember that I am not only what I show to others. That I am not Hollywood.

God should be a director.

Another poem...or something like that

2009-04-09T10:15:00.000-07:00

My empty motionpicture brain is clawing for a spark of inspiration.

My starving water-wrinkled hands are reaching for some hope to hold

My tired multi-questioned heart floats in a maze of mirrors

And all my eyes can see is you.

Random photo of the week

2009-03-22T06:59:00.000-07:00

We may not have much over here in Bulgaria, but at least we have this:

Writing for a hobby is not like writing for a living

2009-03-21T14:27:00.000-07:00

I've written 3 posts in the last 2 days on my Bulgarian blog. Guess I got my writing mojo back after a long winter of struggling to yank something out of my brain. I never believed in writing something for the sake of writing something. If that made sense at all. I know that if I force it out people can tell and will hate me for it. Or at least disrespect me for it.

I finished reading Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas a few days ago. I got this beautiful hardcover copy from the Borders at Logan International, as I was about to board the big steel bird on my way home. Hunter kept me smiling through the ride although I was not in the greatest of moods that day. Anyway. This copy of the book contains other goodies like his article about how the book was written and also the Ruben Salazar article he was working on at the time. He says that Fear and Loathing was something he wrote down to load off the pressure from the other type of writing - the one he perceived as a burden; the writing he needed to do for a living. There's one funny quote of his, where he explains why writing is rarely fun for him:

"I suspect it's a bit like fucking, which is only fun for amateurs. Old whores don't do much giggling."

He is most famous for something that he wrote on the side, as a hobby, something he even saw as 'manic gibberish'. He had fun with it; he played with the peculiarities of both journalism and fiction to create a mixer of craziness, and wisdom, and trips spiked with drugs, some of which I hadn't even heard about.

So have fun writing. Even when you do it to pay the bills. Don't let it get too boring or burdensome, because it will show. Me, I don't really strive to become a real writer. But I do enjoy it, and it helps me in many ways. And it still means a lot when someone decides to read what I have to say. So - thanks.

2009-03-20T00:40:00.000-07:00

I don't care what they say about George Michael - the man can really sing. His voice just breaks your heart. This song was originally sung by Bonnie Raitt.

Enjoy.

2009-03-13T03:49:00.000-07:00

Twenty six.

More than 25 but less than 27.

What does that even mean?

2 + 6 = 8. I was born on the 8th.

Does it mean I've grown wiser? Doubt it. More experienced? Maybe. Truth is I still don't know what to do with my life. Or where I want to live. I do things one at a time, I check them off one by one. I try not to think about the big picture as all it gives me is a headache. I need a bigger head for that.

Do I feel different from a week ago when I was 25? That would be just stupid. But there's one really good thing about my birthday, besides the usual three-day partying. Shortly after it always comes spring. And everything looks so much better.

Driving Miss Crazy

2009-02-19T16:14:00.000-08:00

"You're such a mess" he laughed. He had rested his right hand comfortably on my knee, while he was driving.

"I so am not! I just get sick a lot" I instantly switched to defensive mode.

"You get sick because you let yourself get sick. You need to stay on the positive side. Think healthy thoughts."

"I am trying, I really am. Believe me, I am a positive, happy person. I just don't believe in all those things you believe. The most I can do is not consider them impossible."

"You're a hater." He chuckled again. The Irishman just loves pressing my buttons.

"I'm not a hater!" I almost stomped my foot. Like a 5 year old girl who didn't get the doll she wanted. "See, things are clear for you. You know what you want from life. Your dreams are well defined and you do everything to achieve them. It's almost systematic. And I haven't quite figured that part out yet. I won't find it in any of those books you read. I need to find it on my own."

"That sounds lonely." His sunny blue eyes met mine for a moment. He is an old soul, that one.

"That's the only way I know."

"Well, I think I can change that." He smiled at me with that cocky, devilish smile of his. Then he reached out and started switching between the radio stations, searching for the next U2 song.

Random thought of the week

2009-02-16T05:47:00.000-08:00

How the moments fly by, when you're having the time of your life.

Photos again

2009-01-20T03:18:00.000-08:00

Some pictures from my last visit to my home town. I think what I miss the most about it is the sea. There's nothing like living next to the big water.

I've tweaked the contrast of these a little bit.

2009 is the year for travel

2009-01-19T11:43:00.000-08:00

There are currently 2 plane ticket reservations on my name - one trip in February and one in March. I just need to decide where I want to go in April.

The first kiss

2009-01-13T05:59:00.000-08:00

Someone once told me that no matter how many times you've done it, it never becomes easier to kiss another person for the first time. I think there is no greater thrill that you can feel, than the excitement of being about to steal that first kiss.

The way your stomach curles up, and the blood rushes into your brain, leaving your legs weaker and setting your heart running like a Japanese bullet train. You know what is about to happen, but you stall for a second, just to savor that sensation - that tension - a little while longer. Then you lips meet and you breathe in the entire sweetness of your first kiss. Close your eyes and enjoy it completely.

Random thought of the week

2009-01-13T05:57:00.000-08:00

I decided to live forever. So far I have been successful.

Random photo of the week

2009-01-08T23:06:00.000-08:00

I shot this on Christmas in my home town. I called it "Friends". There's some Bulgarian reality for you - stray dogs and stray people...

Random thought of the ... new year

2009-01-06T08:03:00.000-08:00

At the end of the day, the people that matter, are the ones who inspire you.

Plane-hopping

2008-12-23T03:38:00.000-08:00

Pack your bag and put on your red traveller's hat. Get your ticket, your passport and your adventurous ass on the road. Stand in line for the security check, take off your shoes and listen to the engines of the planes outside roar impatiently. See those big steel birds with a black box, an autopilot, and lots of free drinks on board? They can take you anywhere.

Let's get away. Let's see the world for what it really is. We are no longer tourists, we are explorers. Our eyes are wide open to see, to experience, to understand. We have the freedom now. We are no longer confined in the solitude of our own limitations and ignorance. Let's go to France and Italy and Spain. Let's eat fried bugs in Bangkok and raw fish in Tokyo. Let's salsa in Havana and tango in Buenos Aires. The beaches, and the mountains, and the planes, and the oceans. This is our world now.

We are the plane-hoppers.

Random thought of the week

2008-12-20T04:56:00.000-08:00

I crave you more than I have ever craved ... chocolate.

10 things that make me happy on a winter Saturday

2008-12-20T04:46:00.000-08:00

1. Watching the snow falling.
2. Getting outside on my porch and trying to catch the snowflakes.
3. Drinking warm red wine with pieces of apple
4. Playing around with my camera
5. Re-reading some poems that I already know by heart
6. Watching a 1975 SNL episode with George Carlin
7. Calling my sister to tell her I love her
8. Skating for an hour
9. Getting a drink with old friends
10. Going to bed knowing what a perfect day that was.

Food for thought or thought for food?

2008-12-10T09:52:00.000-08:00

If we accept Maslow's hierarchy of needs, then our physiological needs will always stand first, disabling our attempts to put mind over matter. You can't eat poetry, for example. And if our behavior is indeed biologically programmed - a result of years of evolution - then how do we break out of that pattern?

Often times people get so wrapped up in their daily tasks that they simply forget about the thousand other things that life has to offer them. They operate on autopilot for years: doing things just because everyone else is doing them. They move along a mapped path, as it is much easier to swim with the tide, than go against it.

I've never been much of a spiritual person. I've always prided myself on having my feet firmly on the ground. That has often resulted in me questioning everything before I decide to experience it. Some would call it a realistic approach to life, others might call it skeptical. Still, I believe that the mind is a powerful tool, as long as you know how to tune it. There is a bit of a chance to your life but it's mostly a sequence of events that result from the decisions you make. So, if you decide to drive in a completely different direction, chances are - you'll break the pattern.

Random thought of the week

2008-12-05T07:06:00.000-08:00

I just realized that skating is not much more difficult than wearing heels.

Words

2008-12-05T00:49:00.001-08:00

Yours are the most beautiful words

That I have ever heard

Scattered sound waves in the open air

I close my eyes and breathe them in

They are sweet and bitter, happy and sad

Rolling off the tip of the pen

Falling off the page before me

Little, shiny pieces of your soul

About Bulgarian hockey

2008-12-03T05:22:00.000-08:00

Since I skated for the first time on Sunday (many thanks to Martin for his help and patience), I decided the next step in my winter fun program would be to go to a real hockey game. The place was the winter palace of sports and the game was CSKA - Spartak. The fact that I didn't know the rules of hockey did not stop me. I felt like I wanted to see some men on skates beating the crap out of each other. I can't imagine a better Tuesday evening.

We arrived around 8 and had a beer until it was time to go in. We asked the guy at the ticket booth how much the tickets cost and he just laughed.

Turns out the game was to be played on the training rink, not on the primary one. On that same rink I skated last Sunday. The conditions are deplorable. No seats, no board, no nothing. An elderly guy with a chronometer kept track of the play time and wrote the score down in a notebook.

The audience section comprised of a few wet benches right next to the rink. There was no protective glass over the fence so at any time a puck can fly out and hit one of the fans in the face. The number of people in the audience was comparable to the total number of hockey players - around 30 people. I must admin that even 30 people managed to make a decent amount of noise cheering and cursing.

The people that I really couldn't help but admire, were the players. These sportsmen had somehow managed to preserve their love for the game despite the pathetic conditions they have to play in. They played fiercely and gave it their all. They made a really good game. And even though I almost froze to death I enjoyed every minute of it.

Some pictures:

And a bit of statistics taken from the International Ice Hockey Federation - IIHF

ABOUT BULGARIAN HOCKEY
Member Since July 25, 1960
Total Players 378
Male Players 128
Female Players 56
Junior Players 194
Total Referees 18
Indoor Rinks 3

President Stefan Bachvarov
Nation Population 7,262,675
Men's World Ranking 32nd

Chapter 0.1

2008-11-23T13:08:00.000-08:00

Maya was clutching a hospital chart when she knocked carefully on the door of the chief pediatrician. She heard him shout ‘Come in’ and turned the handle. The office was dim with cigarette smoke. She wrinkled her nose.

‘Maya, come on in. I hear the baby is doing well now.’

‘Yes Doc. Actually that’s what I am here for. I wanted to ask you to release us so we can go home.’ She handed him the chart with her daughter’s latest tests.

‘Sure. I see her fever is down and she’s no longer coughing. She seems stable enough, so you can go. Just call if you need anything.’

He signed the chart with the ugly scribble that only doctors can master. Maya thanked him quickly and darted out of the room. She was happy to be out of the stinky office and out of that bloody hospital soon enough.

---

Her second baby girl was born within hours. Irene, her eldest, had refused to come out for over a day, so Maya expected the same for the second birth. Her labor began early in the morning. The contractions were getting stronger and more frequent but she was pretty sure she could manage to do the laundry before she needed to go. Her water broke while she was in the bathroom. She rang the bell of her next-door neighbors and asked them to drive her to the hospital. It was a bit too late to try and reach her husband at work.

Dana was born on Mother’s Day. Maya couldn’t think of a greater gift she could possibly get. The nurses were celebrating at the nurse’s station and almost forgot about the woman in room 303 that had been in labor for over an hour. She had to scream to have someone pay attention to her. That’s the way things worked back then.

The baby was delivered so quickly she couldn’t believe it was over. The slimy little body cried just a little bit; in fact it wasn’t much of a cry, more like a kitten’s meow. They took her away almost immediately; Maya didn’t even manage to count all her fingers and toes.

The baby was weak and caught an infection on her second day out into the world. Maya’s husband was worried sick as they wouldn’t let him see his newborn or his wife. They talked over the window of the intensive care ward. He had to take some days off so he could take care of his four-year old daughter. All he wanted was to be able to get his entire family in the same house again.

Dana was getting sicker and didn’t want to feed. Maya tried hard not to cry when she saw the IV needle stuck in her baby’s tiny body. They had started her on some pretty strong antibiotics. Everyone assured the worried mother that things like that happened all the time and that the little girl would be fine. So when she finally showed signs of improvement Maya was eager to bring her baby home and forget the nightmare she had lived through in the past couple of weeks.

---

Ivan came to pick them up. He had bought a bunch of tulips from an elderly woman sitting at the corner of the hospital and was clutching them to his chest, waiting for his wife to come out. Finally she showed up at the door, smiling. She was holding their baby girl. The one he had managed to glimpse at only once through the hospital window. The six foot tall man almost started crying as Maya handed him the little wrapped up blue eyed doll. The only thought that ran through his head was that she had the tiniest nose in the world.

First thing Maya did when she walked home was to kiss Irene all over her rosy cheeks. She knew that being a mother of two would be an even harder task to deal with. She had somehow managed to balance going to work and taking her Masters and having a baby at twenty-three. Now she needed to learn how to take care of a playful and willful four year old and a sickly infant at the same time.

Her mother was also there, watching after one granddaughter and anxious to see her second one. Maya finally felt safe; she felt at home. She let her mother help her to prepare Dana’s first bath in her own house. As she was walking between rooms, Maya caught a glimpse of Ivan sitting on the couch with the baby sleeping in his arms. Irene was curious and was asking one question after another, to which he patiently tried to give answers, smiling the smile of the proud dad of two girls. That was one really happy man over there.

After they had prepared everything Maya came to pick up the baby and took her to the bathroom. The baby didn’t even cry when they unwrapped her from her warm clothes and dipped her into the water. She seemed to enjoy swimming in fluid again. Maya was soaping her up, talking to her mother and laughing at her daughter’s weird uncoordinated movements. The baby had a big head and a longish skinny body but she still thought it was one of the most beautiful things she had seen in her life.

As she was turning her over, Dana started choking. In an instant the kid turned blue and could not take a breath. Maya was supporting her baby in her left hand and could not feel the chest expanding anymore. She felt how she suddenly started losing all sensitivity in her legs; the fear rushed into her blood stream almost paralyzing her limbs. In the next moment her instincts decided to take over her brain functions as they seemed to be shutting down with horror. Maya grabbed the baby’s legs, turned her upside down and shook her like a kid would shake a piggy bank for the last dime stuck in there. Out came a handful of secrete that had apparently originated from the baby’s lungs. Maya could not believe such a tiny body could hold so much. The little girl took a deep breath and started crying. That was the best sound in the world.

2008-11-17T10:33:00.000-08:00

[] This post was deleted due to the stupidity of the author and the need for her to pull her shit together... []

Random photo of the week

2008-11-12T11:45:00.001-08:00

Random thought of the week

2008-11-12T11:40:00.000-08:00

Sex on the beach is not just a drink.

Change

2008-11-08T09:53:00.000-08:00

Today I went through the supermarket on my way home from the gym. I had to buy some food as my fridge was empty. And I did something you should never do - shop for food on an empty stomach. And I was starving. I got mozzarella, cream cheese, octopus salad, green olives, two types of ham and all sorts of other tasty and favorite things. I took my time in the sweets section. There was candy and chocolate bars and cake and anything you could think of. I got just one strawberry yogurt chocolate bar. But I felt pretty much like a kid in a candy store looking at all that sweet goodness and taking it all in.

I thought about the time when I was a small kid - the stores didn't have much to offer back then. There were one or two types of chocolate, one type of gum and a few types of sweets on the market. We got 'exotic' fruit like bananas and oranges once a year - usually around New Year's - and there were always huge lines of people waiting for their turn to buy some. Oh, we had money back then - just nothing to buy with it.

Your TV was always Russian or Bulgarian, and it always broke down, like clockwork. You had to wait to buy a car for 3 years on average. You had to wait your turn to buy an apartment in one of those cheap, ugly, square buildings that still stand proudly in most ex-Communist countries. I am not saying everything was bad back then. Some of the ideas were even good and noble. But Communism was not self-sustainable and lead the country to a bankruptcy.

On November 10, 1989, or exactly 19 years ago, change arrived. Democracy stood victorious on top of the remains of our Communist past. It was perhaps an illusion. It takes a lot longer for that change to take effect. But people were inspired, they were drunk with the taste of freedom and the sense that they were writing history. They walked out on the street and demanded justice. They marched and chanted. They took their destiny into their own hands. I was six then but I remember everything quite clearly.

On November 4th, 2008, change came to the US and was felt around the world. People were celebrating - singing and dancing in the street. They were writing history. As if an invisible wall had fallen, dividing the American people. Just like the other wall, running through the heart of Europe and dividing the European people, fell one generation ago.

And sure, it will take time. Just as Eastern Europe has still not quite caught up with its Western counterpart, it will take time for all Americans to start living together without prejudice. And I am looking forward to that.

Honesty?

2008-11-06T09:25:00.000-08:00

Imagine it this way: if I make you a meal, and it tastes like crap, will you tell me or will you just smile at me and eat it? Will I be more irritated with you for calling me a bad cook or for not telling me the truth? And will you be more willing to speak sincerely and take the consequences or bottle it up in you and let it keep upsetting you by not talking about it?

This is what a relationship is about. It seems that it takes a lot of skill to pick out the times to be honest and the times to keep your mouth shut so that you don't hurt the other person's feelings. You might need to make compromises. Even if it sometimes means tucking your opinion under the doormat, before you step in. Honesty is important, we just need to be careful with the delivery.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: I'm sorry.

Today

2008-11-05T05:02:00.000-08:00

I am proud of all of you.

Sunday

2008-11-02T05:46:00.001-08:00

In Bulgarian Sunday or ‘неделя’ (nedelia) literally means: I don’t do anything. And ever since I joined the working class Sundays have become my ‘I-don’t-do-shit’ day.

Today has to be one of the laziest Sundays. I feel tired and lethargic like an old bear. Feels like pretty soon I will go into hibernation. We switched to standard time last Sunday so my body clock is still off.

…

10 pages and an idea. That’s all I have to make into a book. And I really don’t feel like writing it today.

Things at work have been rather hectic lately, so my creative juices are being dried out by the fact I’m constantly tired. I don’t know if I’ll be able to write the whole thing. I don’t even know if it will be worth reading. But I’ve always liked having side projects. Otherwise I will just bore myself to death.

At least I gave the cat a bath today. Vicious smells like flowers now.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being

2008-10-25T11:49:00.000-07:00

I just finished The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera. It’s definitely one of the weirdest and most wonderful books I have ever read.

It tells a simple story of a man and a woman, employing communist Czechoslovakia as a historical background. There are many philosophical ideas and contemplations in the book, simple and understandable, as the story moves along. It is very rarely that I see wisdom and truth presented in such a sincere and straightforward way.

Here’s one quote (this book is full of quotes I’d be more than willing to throw around :-))

“Spontaneously, without any theological training, I, a child, grasped the incompatibility of God and shit and thus came to question the basic thesis of Christian anthropology, namely, that man was created in God’s image. Either/or: either man was created in God’s image – and God has intestines! – or God lacks intestines and man isn’t Him.” (Part 6, Chapter 3)

Actually, I have not read some 33 pages – between 122 and 155. Turns out the book had two sets of pages from 155 to 186. I felt robbed – not being able to read that extra 33 pages. The bookstore could not replace the faulty copy, as they ran out (Bulgarian bookstores don’t stock too much on English copies). After they checked in the other three stores from the same chain in Sofia and still came up with nothing, I refused to give up my book and take my money back. I decided that my book was in fact unique in its imperfection. After all, nobody’s perfect.

2008-10-22T10:29:00.001-07:00

I still catch the smell of musk
On the bed we slept in

But my fingers have their memory
They remember every line

And my mouth had never tasted
Anything more delicious

Whispering back
When I heard your whispers

I looked into your eyes
They were wide open.

My sixth sense tells me
This is no coincidence.

Ex-smoker

2008-10-22T03:10:00.000-07:00

Ex-smokers are the lowest cast in Bulgarian society. In the eyes of current smokers, that is. Everyone is pissed at you for asking them not to smoke. If you dare to make a comment about the smoke in the restaurant/club/bathroom they just wrinkle their nose at you and say "I hate it when an ex-smoker starts preaching."

Truth is that even when I smoked I still hated the smell of cigarettes. At a restaurant I always sat at a non-smoking table, though in Bulgaria smoking vs. non-smoking tables are arranged in quite a random manner. I don't know how tough a smoker you need to be to want to consume smoke as a garnish for your French fries.

Now I'm just boiling inside my skin. Last Saturday we visited a couple of piano bars. Turns out piano bars are spreading like disease over Sofia but I don't mind - I'm certainly not a regular at the chalga clubs anyway. Mariya (another ex-smoker) and I love dancing, so we danced pretty much the whole time. And you know what happens when you exercise in a smoked room. Within the first hour I was high on the cigarrete smoke. A bit later I was already gasping for clean air. The ventilation wasn't that bad but it couldn't compensate the fact that both bars were essentially in the basement. At the end of the evening we walked around town to ventilate and substitute the cigarette smoke in our lungs with some fresh morning Sofia smog.

I got home around 5 am. I stripped all my clothes, put them in a bag and kicked the bag out in the hallway. I took my coat out on the balcony and executed it by hanging. It was at the bar's coat room but the stench had somehow got to it. It had become a casualty of my thirst for night life. A bit later I relaxed on the bed and dozed off. I woke up 3 hours later. I felt sick. And not thanks to the 5 glasses Absolut Vanilla+pineapple juice. I felt sick from the smell of my own hair. It reeked. I decided to put off sleep for a bit and got into the shower. It took a lot of hair product to make the smell go away.

I want a law that bans all smoking in public places. Everywhere. I want to be able to walk out of a club and smell like my own sweat, and not somebody else's cigarettes. I want't be able to eat a piece of cake, and not have the old lady on the next table blow her smoke on it. This nation just smokes too much.

...

On bad advertising

2008-10-21T08:06:00.001-07:00

I don't know about you, but this one just creeps me out.

Random thought of the week

2008-10-20T11:20:00.000-07:00

It's so good to be able to breathe through your nose again.

Set a book free

2008-10-20T10:57:00.000-07:00

I just released my first book, registered at www.bookcrossing.com. I left it in the mall next to our office, on a bench right across the entrance of the bookstore. I thought that people who pass by there would actually be people who read. It seems like a good idea. I love my books and treat them with the utmost care - I don't wrinkle the pages, I don't underscore words... I have no idea whether this books will make it to a reader or it will end up in recycling. But I've set it free.

Chapter 0

2008-10-18T04:35:00.000-07:00

She put down the grocery bags and started fumbling in her purse for the keys. She wondered once again how she managed to put so much stuff in such a small thing. She grabbed a hold of something that felt like a key chain and pulled it out. The “What Happens in Vegas” metal plate flashed with a pair of keys attached to it. She turned the key and opened the door.

A large ball of grey fur attacked her legs in a flash.

That cat never made a sound but if there was a leg in sight she’d be rubbing against it as if her life depended on it. Freaked out some of her friends on several occasions. It wasn’t that the thing was mute – it’s just that she never learned how to meow properly. Dana had picked her off the street as a very small kitten. She found the creature near a trashcan on a corner, sniffing at her dead mother’s body. Another tragedy. Not hers to get over this time.

‘Hey, Monster. Come here baby.’

She picked her up and dug her nose in the cat’s neck. This was the softest animal in the world. She was constantly cleaning and grooming herself. Also liked to regurgitate fur balls on a regular basis. That’s why there were no carpets in the apartment.

Dana remembered she had left the bags outside, so she dropped the cat and went to get them. It often happened that she would forget stuff when she was this tired. Another really long day at the office. She put the groceries in the fridge and wondered what she should have for dinner for about five minutes. Then she closed the fridge and took out the wine opener from the top drawer. She poured herself a glass of Merlot and went into the living room.

Glass of wine in one hand, and the remote in the other. This was her regular state for the last few months. She was comfortably seated on her couch, flipping channels and sipping at the ruby red liquid. The cat had also gotten comfortable in her two legged servant’s lap. Dana looked down at the small warm body on top of her legs. She wished she could be a cat. Cats are quick to get over their pain and carry on with their lives. Independent and self-sufficient. Not afraid to be alone.

Monster stirred and stretched. She got up and reached out to rub her face in Dana’s chin. That animal too craved for attention.

2008-10-16T12:35:00.000-07:00

Like a clockwork orange
I see things in a different color
I set aside my vegetable thoughts
Then sit and order a fruit salad

Random photos from last weekend

2008-10-16T12:29:00.001-07:00

It's a nice day for fishing in Pomorie...

La Luna:

Sunset through the bus window.

Some more poetry

2008-10-12T14:32:00.000-07:00

Maybe a bit awk but here it goes:

I like my clothing label-free
I'll dress simple or stylish or bold
Do I care a sweater's not Cashmere
If all I need is to be warm

I eat food; I don't eat cuisine
I don't care as long as I am hungry
I don't take advice from magazines
What do they know about living

Love can't be quantified or rated
You can't buy feelings at the mall
There's no discount on being hated
Look in your shopping bag - there is nothing inside.
Nothing at all.

Random thought of the week

2008-10-08T13:32:00.000-07:00

Mermaids don't wear bikini tops, do they?

On eating a peach

2008-10-04T04:22:00.000-07:00

I am a ... meow?

2008-10-03T06:12:00.001-07:00

I am a cat.

I am a graceful cat.
My body sways as I walk toward you. It flexes when I dance around you.

I am a curious cat.
I'd like to know everything there is to know about you. I want to get inside your mind.

I am a hedonistic cat.
I like to rub against you and I purr when you pet me.

I have the spirit of the cat.
I brightens my eyes and puts a spring in my steps. I am free and I am strong.
And I don't give a rat's ass.

...

Random photo of the week

2008-10-02T03:12:00.000-07:00

My account of a photo shoot we did at the Kaufland parking lot a couple of weeks ago. Mr. Blue is a fan of the same perspective and pointed it out to me. This one reminds me of a starship hallway (or something of the sort).

Random thought of the week

2008-10-01T12:14:00.000-07:00

Sex is the highest form of communication.

Some poetry

2008-10-01T00:18:00.001-07:00

Addicted to your words
Like a bookworm on speed
I wait till dawn to get my fix

When I cannot remember
The smell and the taste
Sentences become my senses

But distance is not relevant
If you can get inside my head
With the beauty of your tongue

And I cling to every word
Like there is
Nothing else to hold on to.

Time

2008-09-30T10:27:00.000-07:00

The time came. Then it passed. Looking around the room, there is nothing that tells me you were ever here. Except for that weird warm feeling in the upper left corner of my stomach. It reminds me that you exist. That you are maybe thinking of me as hard as I am thinking of you. And that you maybe miss me as much as you say you do.

Often times I think that I dreamed the whole thing up. That my mind has finally decided to quit on me and go for a vacation at the Caribbean. Most of it sounds like a book, or a movie, or something that my imagination would throw on the griddle for me to drool over. But I know I have not lost sanity. Not yet anyways.

I have been inspired. By your honesty, your cockiness and your courage to dream.

Dream big.