Wednesday, October 21, 2009

It's only when I lose myself

And then your life twists around in the most weird and unexpected way and you don't even notice it.

It's freakish almost.

I've gotten so used to the new situation that I cannot remember what it was like before. But I don't want it to feel boring and mundane. I don't want that to ruin everything else that comes with it.

I feel sane for the first time in a long time. There are no earthquakes or soap opera drama in my life. And I like that. But sometimes I feel like I am struggling to keep my insane self. Even with all the craziness and insecurity. I don't want to be a good, practical housewife. I want to keep the spark alive. Keep on burning, keep on burning.

I don't find myself only when I lose myself in someone else. I find another side of me. But I still lose myself a little bit. I am so focused on the definition of me seen through the other person's eyes that I forget what me is. I can compromise with the food , and the movies we watch, and all the small things that you sometimes need to sacrifice to help things along. But I can't let myself compromise with what I am.

Don't let anyone tell you that being in a relationship is an easy thing. It doesn't come that naturally, especially when your egocentricity and sense of self-sufficiency are as strong as mine. And if the individual you're dealing with is just as strong-willed, then there are going to be many challenges ahead. It's hard being a part of a couple when you're so used to being a solitary unit. You have to give up certain rights and freedoms for the sake of being with someone. Just don't let it change who you are. At least not by that much.
 
Clicky Web Analytics