Wednesday, October 21, 2009

It's only when I lose myself

And then your life twists around in the most weird and unexpected way and you don't even notice it.

It's freakish almost.

I've gotten so used to the new situation that I cannot remember what it was like before. But I don't want it to feel boring and mundane. I don't want that to ruin everything else that comes with it.

I feel sane for the first time in a long time. There are no earthquakes or soap opera drama in my life. And I like that. But sometimes I feel like I am struggling to keep my insane self. Even with all the craziness and insecurity. I don't want to be a good, practical housewife. I want to keep the spark alive. Keep on burning, keep on burning.

I don't find myself only when I lose myself in someone else. I find another side of me. But I still lose myself a little bit. I am so focused on the definition of me seen through the other person's eyes that I forget what me is. I can compromise with the food , and the movies we watch, and all the small things that you sometimes need to sacrifice to help things along. But I can't let myself compromise with what I am.

Don't let anyone tell you that being in a relationship is an easy thing. It doesn't come that naturally, especially when your egocentricity and sense of self-sufficiency are as strong as mine. And if the individual you're dealing with is just as strong-willed, then there are going to be many challenges ahead. It's hard being a part of a couple when you're so used to being a solitary unit. You have to give up certain rights and freedoms for the sake of being with someone. Just don't let it change who you are. At least not by that much.

Monday, July 13, 2009

If you've ever

If you've ever been awaken with a kiss;

If you've ever crossed an ocean;

If you've ever stopped a moment to snuggle in a happy feeling;

If you've ever met the sunrise walking around town;

If you've ever dedicated a poem;

If you've ever felt like a million bucks;

If you've ever seen the moon dance on water;

If you've ever heard music without the radio on.

Then you are lucky.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Take me to the beach

I was born on the sea.

I have salty water in my veins.

I am craving the waves and the sand and the breeze 

Caressing my skin, washing my troubles away.

I am a sea monster

I am a salty water vampire

I am a mermaid on a sandy coast

Mother sea is calling me.

And I need to swim.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

To my 16 year-old self

You are great. Don't let anyone tell you any different.

Try not to wear baggy clothes the entire time. I know they're comfy but sometimes you need to dress up a bit.

Heavy metal is not the only true music in this world. Wait. I might be wrong there.

That boy that broke you heart this summer won't be the last one to do that. Toughen up. But don't close up.

And don't worry about a thing - there will be plenty of time to worry later.


Your 26 year-old self

Monday, May 25, 2009


I figured it out. It's not my kidneys that are the problem. It's my heart that needs to heal.

Thursday, May 7, 2009


You know what my favorite hobby is? It's not photography, or writing, or traveling. It's capturing moments. Expecially those really, genuinely perfect ones. Soaking them in with all available senses and resources and savoring them, only to hang to them a little while longer and to roll in that nice, tingling feeling of semi-euphoria when I am just...perfect.

I am sitting on my bed in the sunny, well lit room with green wallpaper that I picked out myself. I'm stealing wireless internet, chatting with friends and enjoying the lazy Sunday afternoon. It's one of those rare occasions on which I am back home - back to Burgas. My Mom is in the kitchen making my favorite meal. My Dad is in the next room, fixing my old jeans on the 90-year-old Singer sewing machine my grandad left after he left us. Yes, my father actually can do everything. The radio is loud, and Billy Joel is singing. I've left the door between the two rooms open so I can hear the music and my Dad cussing at the ancient machine better. I feel home. I feel normal. I feel that there is nothing weighing on me at that very moment. I am really, truly free.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009


The morning is so good and quiet
as she gives me her first kiss

and fills my room with bright early light
pushing cool clean air into my nostrils

just like the vapor traces
of my religiously brewed coffee

a precious cup of stolen me-time
before the day comes rushing in

words flicker on the screen
"Good morning, blue eyes"

It is a good one, isn't it?

Monday, April 13, 2009


Sometimes I feel like my life is a movie. Like I am not really there but am watching myself on a screen. I do the motions, I say my lines and I repeat the scenes until I get them right. I substitute my reality with a screenplay. I contribute my emotions to the script so I can disconnect from them. It's just easier than taking everything seriously.

We are all actors.

Each of us has their role. We are trained and conditioned to act in front of an audience of others. So that we are socially acceptable. So that we don't hurt or offend. So that we are loved.

I just need to remember that I am not only what I show to others. That I am not Hollywood.

God should be a director.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Another poem...or something like that

My empty motionpicture brain is clawing for a spark of inspiration.

My starving water-wrinkled hands are reaching for some hope to hold

My tired multi-questioned heart floats in a maze of mirrors

And all my eyes can see is you.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Writing for a hobby is not like writing for a living

I've written 3 posts in the last 2 days on my Bulgarian blog. Guess I got my writing mojo back after a long winter of struggling to yank something out of my brain. I never believed in writing something for the sake of writing something. If that made sense at all. I know that if I force it out people can tell and will hate me for it. Or at least disrespect me for it.

I finished reading Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas a few days ago. I got this beautiful hardcover copy from the Borders at Logan International, as I was about to board the big steel bird on my way home. Hunter kept me smiling through the ride although I was not in the greatest of moods that day. Anyway. This copy of the book contains other goodies like his article about how the book was written and also the Ruben Salazar article he was working on at the time. He says that Fear and Loathing was something he wrote down to load off the pressure from the other type of writing - the one he perceived as a burden; the writing he needed to do for a living. There's one funny quote of his, where he explains why writing is rarely fun for him:

"I suspect it's a bit like fucking, which is only fun for amateurs. Old whores don't do much giggling."

He is most famous for something that he wrote on the side, as a hobby, something he even saw as 'manic gibberish'. He had fun with it; he played with the peculiarities of both journalism and fiction to create a mixer of craziness, and wisdom, and trips spiked with drugs, some of which I hadn't even heard about.

So have fun writing. Even when you do it to pay the bills. Don't let it get too boring or burdensome, because it will show. Me, I don't really strive to become a real writer. But I do enjoy it, and it helps me in many ways. And it still means a lot when someone decides to read what I have to say. So - thanks.

Friday, March 13, 2009


Twenty six.

More than 25 but less than 27.

What does that even mean?

2 + 6 = 8. I was born on the 8th.

Does it mean I've grown wiser? Doubt it. More experienced? Maybe. Truth is I still don't know what to do with my life. Or where I want to live. I do things one at a time, I check them off one by one. I try not to think about the big picture as all it gives me is a headache. I need a bigger head for that.

Do I feel different from a week ago when I was 25? That would be just stupid. But there's one really good thing about my birthday, besides the usual three-day partying. Shortly after it always comes spring. And everything looks so much better.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Driving Miss Crazy

"You're such a mess" he laughed. He had rested his right hand comfortably on my knee, while he was driving.

"I so am not! I just get sick a lot" I instantly switched to defensive mode.

"You get sick because you let yourself get sick. You need to stay on the positive side. Think healthy thoughts."

"I am trying, I really am. Believe me, I am a positive, happy person. I just don't believe in all those things you believe. The most I can do is not consider them impossible."

"You're a hater." He chuckled again. The Irishman just loves pressing my buttons.

"I'm not a hater!" I almost stomped my foot. Like a 5 year old girl who didn't get the doll she wanted. "See, things are clear for you. You know what you want from life. Your dreams are well defined and you do everything to achieve them. It's almost systematic. And I haven't quite figured that part out yet. I won't find it in any of those books you read. I need to find it on my own."

"That sounds lonely." His sunny blue eyes met mine for a moment. He is an old soul, that one.

"That's the only way I know."

"Well, I think I can change that." He smiled at me with that cocky, devilish smile of his. Then he reached out and started switching between the radio stations, searching for the next U2 song.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The first kiss

Someone once told me that no matter how many times you've done it, it never becomes easier to kiss another person for the first time. I think there is no greater thrill that you can feel, than the excitement of being about to steal that first kiss.

The way your stomach curles up, and the blood rushes into your brain, leaving your legs weaker and setting your heart running like a Japanese bullet train. You know what is about to happen, but you stall for a second, just to savor that sensation - that tension - a little while longer. Then you lips meet and you breathe in the entire sweetness of your first kiss. Close your eyes and enjoy it completely.

Random thought of the week

I decided to live forever. So far I have been successful.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Random photo of the week

I shot this on Christmas in my home town. I called it "Friends". There's some Bulgarian reality for you - stray dogs and stray people...

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Random thought of the ... new year

At the end of the day, the people that matter, are the ones who inspire you.
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